Tuesday, February 28, 2006

As if New Orleans hasn't suffered enough

Looking like she just escaped from her FEMA trailer, Britney waves to the crowds at Mardi Gras.

There are so many things that could be said about this...but I'll leave that to you.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Helicopter P0rn

Scooter Trash! ;-)

An OH-58D from D Troop 1st Squadron 7th US Cavalry takes off at sunrise from Camp Taji during OIF II.

EDIT: Actually now that I look at the picture closer the aircraft is landing or at least slowing down...I want to be entirely acurate...for historical purposes. :)



Don Knotts has Died

LOS ANGELES Feb 25, 2006 (AP)— Don Knotts, the skinny, lovable nerd who kept generations of television audiences laughing as bumbling Deputy Barney Fife on "The Andy Griffith Show," has died. He was 81.

He also appeared in the "Reluctant Astronaut" and "No Time for Sergeants"

Thanks for all the laughs Don! RIP.

Respect my Authority!

This weekend I was reading Texas Monthly magazine, which for those of you who aren't familiar is at times a rather stuffy, snooty little publication chock full of ads for things that most of us can't afford or wouldn't want anyway. Anyway, I was reading this great publication because I spotted the cover...

I thought, "Hey, I'm a Texan, I've been to war let's see what they've got." All in all not too bad on their part. If it's available where you are take a look.

But between this magazine and reading some posts over at my buddy T-Bone's I saw a couple of things that tripped my trigger(neither were caused by T-Bone or Texas Monthly). It is a trend that I for one find both irritating and insulting to the intelligence of most people. The growing propensity of some people out there to preface a statement with the phrase, "As a veteran of ____ war who served with ___ unit I think..." usually followed by some diatribe that has nothing to do with their service.

I will honestly admit that at times I myself have been tempted to say..."as a veteran of OIF" when posting an opinion about OIF. But when I thought about it, that statement really had no bearing whatsoever on my opinion on the war...so I didn't include it. Unless someone was in the Headquarters of Central Command or some-such I really don't need to hear the words, "as a OIF vet" when you rant (more often than not against) about the war.

PFC Snuffy who served with 3ID has as much right to have his say as anyone else about the war...but his service doesn't give him any special insight to WMD production or the decision making process that occurred at the White House before we invaded. Is he more personally affected by those decisions? Of course he is, but he has no clearer idea about who had what intelligence that John Q Public does, and in some case he has less.

And for you folks that have never been in the military, the armed forces are a microcosm of society at large. We have crooks, liars, drug abusers even murderers. When a person says I served in unit X in war Y you don't know if this guy was the soldier of the month or a bad conduct discharge. It's a red herring in my opinion and not necessary for most discussions.

I think a lot of people try to use their service as a crutch in these situations, as if their argument would hold no weight on its own, they need to add, oh, and by the way I served in this or that war so you'd better listen to me. It's as if I got on ESPN and said, "you know I played semi pro baseball so this my opinion on MLB"...like that carries any weight at all.

Arguments for and against our present course of action in the GWOT should be argued on their merits alone and not on the pedigree of those presenting them...and i say that as an OIF vet who served in the 1st Cavalry Division. ;-)

Can We Sue Playboy For False Advertising?

Behold the lovely Jessica Alba on the cover of Playboy magazine...on your newsstands now!

Now if I were to take a poll, how many of you would reasonably believe that this woman would be appearing sans clothing in this particular issue? Show of hands. Those of you who voted yes for Jessica being in the altogether would be sadly disappointed.

What kind of cheap ploy is that to try and get people to buy your magazine? Of course you can't sue them because nowhere on the cover does it state that she will be in fact nude...they are playing on the fact that you know that Playboy is known for pictures of women, sometimes celebrities, in the nude.

This is just another sign, along with that train wreck of of TV show where three girls compete to see who stays around long enough to get Hef's inheritance, that Playboy has indeed jumped the shark.

What used to be a magazine that could be counted on to provide high quality pictures of beautiful women and pretentious articles tells us how we should think is now reduced to tricking people into buying it by putting a woman on the cover that is popular but not naked.

What is this world coming to?

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Girl Friday

Yeah it's 6 hours early when I posted this...so sue me.

Lani Todd says hello. Hope you have a great weekend!

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Hot Muslim Singer Gets Death Threats

Now there's something you don't see every day...the words "Hot" and "Muslim" in the same sentence.

Hot Muslim Singer Gets Death Threats
Why? Because she's hot. She also openly criticizes Islamic countries for their treatment of women. She's also hot. Did I mention that she was hot?

Now this is the kind of Muslim that I could really get into!

For the rest of the story go to the Jawa Report

Monday, February 20, 2006

It's been a year now!

Next week it will be one year since I arrived back in Texas from my first OIF experience...this anniversary and the fact that I will be returning to the sand box this year has caused me to give some thought to some things.

The things that I will and have missed:
My family and friends.
Being able to drive my car to the store 24/7 and get whatever I want.
Good food (Yeah, the contractors (the evil KBR) try their best and really do a pretty good job...but it ain't chicken fried steak or Mexican food)
Going to the movies.
The "Good Ole' USA" there's nothing that will make you appreciate what we have here more than spending some time in a third world s#!t hole)
Along with the "Good Ole' USA" comes the American Woman (thanks Guess Who!), I wrote a little bit about this when I started this blog. I wrote a piece called "Where For Art Thou Juliet...and Kiran?" that explained my feeling s on this subject. (on an unrelated note, I was bored one day and looking at my site stats, I noticed that there are a lot of folks out there looking for pictures of Juliet Huddy...interesting and strange)

One of the things I will remember for the rest of my life is the welcome we received be it at Bangor Mane or when we got back to Hood...it was awesome.

I'm sure anyone familiar with the war has heard about the folks at the Bangor airport, we arrived there at 2 AM and there was easily 20 folks waiting to give us cookies, cell phones to use and just say welcome home. When we left Bangor enroute to Fortress Hood, I for one didn't expect what we would encounter there. The plane landed at 0700HRS and as the door opened I could hear the 1st Cav band playing Gerryowen, at the bottom of the stairs was the obligatory General Officer and other people I didn't know and at the moment didn't care about either. We got on the bus and went to turn in our weapons. When that was done we were off to the Division Headquarters to get our bags and meet the friends and family that were waiting.

Whomever planned what occurred next should have a career in Hollywood or at least get a medal. The busses carrying the Task Force took a round-a-bout route to the HQ and I remember at the time being rather annoyed that they wouldn't just get it over with. In reality they were taking the busses around so that when we pulled up in front of the building and the crowd that the doors of the bus were facing away from them. As we got off the buses they remaining in place shielding us from view. Then as the unit was called to attention the busses pulled away revealing the unit to the crowd. There was cheering, the band was playing, the horse platoon was there...and then we marched forward to the stands. Some guy said something that was mercifully short and we were dismissed. That was a feeling I'll never forget.

And now here we go again...

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Helicopter P0rn

A 64D from C Troop 3rd Squadron 6th United States Cavalry (Ruthless Riders) lifts off in a cloud of dust somewhere in Korea in early 2004.



Saturday, February 18, 2006

Kinder Gentler Basic?

Thanks (I think!) to Greg H for sending me this.

Marching Orders: To Keep Recruits, Boot Camp Gets A Gentle Revamp --- Army Offers
More Support, Sleep, Second Helpings; Drill Sergeants' Worries --- `It Would Look So
Much Nicer'

By Greg Jaffe

15 February 2006

The Wall Street Journal

(Copyright (c) 2006, Dow Jones & Company, Inc.)

FORT LEONARD WOOD, Mo. -- New recruits used to be welcomed to boot camp here with
the "shark attack." For decades, drill sergeants in wide-brim hats would swarm
around the fresh-off-the-bus privates, shouting orders. Some rattled recruits would
make mistakes. A few would cry.

Today, the Army is opting for a quieter approach. "I told my drill sergeants to stop
the nonsense," says Col. Edward Daly, whose basic-training brigade graduates about
11,000 soldiers a year. Last fall, Col. Daly began meeting with all new recruits
shortly after they arrive at boot camp to thank them. "We sincerely appreciate the
fact that you swore an oath and got on a bus and did it in a time of war," he
recently told an incoming class. "That's a big, big deal." He usually is accompanied
by two male and two female soldiers, who can answer questions the recruits may have.

"The idea is to get rid of the anxiety and worry," Col. Daly says.

The new welcome is a window on the big changes sweeping boot camp, the Army's
nine-week basic training. For most of its existence, boot camp was a place where
drill sergeants would weed out the weak and turn psychologically soft civilians into
hardened soldiers. But the Army, fighting through one of its biggest recruiting
droughts, now is shifting tactics. Boot camp -- that iconic American experience --
may never be the same.

Once-feared drill sergeants have been ordered to yell less and mentor more. "Before,
our drill sergeants' attitude was `you better meet my standard or else.' Now it's `I
am going to do all I can to assist you in meeting the Army standard,'" says Command
Sgt. Maj. William McDaniel, the senior enlisted soldier here.

New privates are getting more sleep and personal time. Even the way soldiers eat has
changed. Drill sergeants long ordered overweight soldiers to stay away from soda and
desserts. Today, soldiers at Fort Leonard Wood fill out a survey about their
boot-camp experience that asks, among other questions, if they liked the food,
whether they were "allowed to eat everything on the menu, including dessert," and
whether there was enough for seconds.

Recruits still must meet the same basic standards and pass the same tests for
physical fitness and marksmanship to graduate, say Army officials. But more variable
criteria that in the past might get a recruit expelled -- such as whether a drill
sergeant thinks a recruit has the discipline and moral values to be a soldier --
have been jettisoned. "Now it doesn't matter what the drill sergeant thinks. We work
off of the written standard," says Capt. Christopher Meng, who oversees a company of
11 drill sergeants and about 200 recruits at the base.

The new approach is helping the Army graduate more of its recruits. Last month, only
23 recruits failed to make the cut at Fort Leonard Wood's largest basic-training
brigade, compared with 183 in January 2004. Army-wide, about 11% of recruits
currently flunk out in their first six months of training, down from 18% last May.

Senior Army officials say attrition has fallen because the new techniques are
helping more soldiers reach their full potential. "This generation responds to a
more positive leadership approach. They want to serve and they want people to show
respect for that decision," says Maj. Gen. Randal Castro, the commanding general at
Fort Leonard Wood. Smarter training also is preventing injuries, Army doctors say.

Some drill sergeants worry that the "kinder and gentler approach" -- as drill
sergeants have dubbed the changes -- is producing softer soldiers. "If the privates
can't handle the stress of a drill sergeant yelling at them, how will they handle
the stress of bullets flying over their head?" asked Staff Sgt. Clayton Nagel as he
watched his recruits file past him in the Fort Leonard Wood dining hall. "War is
stressful. I think we over-corrected."

The Army's decision to overhaul basic training came last spring. The service was
having a hard time bringing in new recruits. It ultimately missed its 2005
recruiting goals for active-duty troops by 7,000 soldiers, or 8%, and National Guard
soldiers by 13,000 or 20%.

Meanwhile, boot-camp attrition was climbing. New soldiers brought in to replace
those who were tossed out weren't much better. "We realized that the further you go
into the barrel, the lower the quality," says Col. Kevin Shwedo, a senior officer in
the Army's Training and Doctrine Command in Virginia.

A team of 20 officers from the Army's training command was formed to figure out how
the service could help more soldiers survive the first six months. They consulted
sociologists and psychiatrists and even flew in MTV's senior vice president of
strategy and planning, in search of fresh ideas for motivating today's youth.

The changes, put in place this fall at all five of the Army's basic-training camps,
are apparent the moment recruits step off the bus at Fort Leonard Wood. On a chilly
Tuesday in January, about 200 new recruits in white Army sweat suits filed into a
big auditorium on the base for one of Col. Daly's welcome-to-the-Army talks. Staff
Sgt. Mike Gilmore grabbed a microphone and told the recruits what was going to
happen: "The brigade commander is going to talk to you. He is a colonel. He is way
up here. You are way down here," Sgt. Gilmore explained.

He then coached the recruits on how to spring to attention when Col. Daly entered
the room. "When I say `attention,' you stand up. That's it. You don't say nothing.
You do it quietly as possible."

"Attention!" Sgt. Gilmore ordered. The recruits rose slowly and unevenly.

"Could we all just stand up together?" Sgt. Gilmore said, sounding more let down
than angry. "It would look so much nicer."

A few minutes later, Col. Daly, a Special Forces soldier who served in Afghanistan
and was awarded a Purple Heart after being wounded in the U.S. invasion of Panama,
strode into the room. He told the recruits to take a deep breath and a swig from
their canteens. "There is no problem that you might have that in last 230 years the
Army hasn't already heard," he said.

The recruits then got 40 minutes to fire questions at the four privates accompanying
Col. Daly. One recruit asked if any of the privates had failed the Army's
physical-fitness test. (Two struggled with it, but eventually passed). Others wanted
to know how often they got to talk on the phone (once a week), how long they got for
showers (five minutes) and how many hours of sleep they got a night (8 hours). A few
asked if they had any regrets about enlisting. All four said no.

After the session, Pvt. Angela Holmquest, one of the privates brought in to answer
questions, said she worried that basic training had become too easy. "The drill
sergeants tell us we are in the low-stress Army. I'd rather be in the old Army. When
we need to lock it up and work together as a team we can. But we should be more
disciplined than we are," she said.

In recent months, the Army has told drill sergeants to back off the recruits in the
dining halls as well. A few months ago, sergeants would hover over new recruits,
rushing them through meals, quizzing them about Army regulations and chastising them
for minor infractions like carrying their drinking glass with one hand instead of

The dining hall still is far from relaxing. But drill sergeants no longer shout at
recruits. They aren't allowed to order overweight privates to skip dessert. At
first, some drill sergeants refused to embrace the new directive. "There was a lot
of balking on the dessert rule," says Capt. Meng, who oversees 11 drill sergeants.
"I have had to say, `Don't even mention it.'"

The Army also has cut the amount of running troops do in boot camp by more than 60%
in the past three years. "A lot of these kids have never done P.E. or sports. We
were injuring too many by running too much," says Col. Greg Jolissaint, an Army
physician with the command that sets baseline standards for boot camp.

Instead of running, privates do more calisthenics and stretching. They also are
spending more time learning the basic combat tasks they will need in Iraq or
Afghanistan, such as how to spot a roadside bomb. Last month, Sgt. First Class Kevin
Staddie, who spent a year in Iraq, was teaching soldiers how to move through a city
under enemy fire. Suddenly he called a halt to the exercise. A private who was
slithering on his belly lost his only canteen. Sgt. Staddie asked the private if he
knew the temperature in Baghdad in August.

"It is 115 degrees," the sergeant said in an even voice. "Will you give me a solemn
promise that you'll do a better job securing your canteen? You'll get a whole lot

The private nodded and rushed to continue the exercise.

Soldiers also get a few more chances to succeed, say drill sergeants. Not long after
she arrived at boot camp, Pvt. Starr Mosley was accused by another soldier of
writing letters home when she was supposed to be training. Her drill sergeant
ordered the 18-year-old private to crawl on her belly through the barracks and
chant: "I will not write letters in the war room."

Pvt. Mosley, who said she wasn't writing letters, refused. The Army offered her a
fresh start in a new platoon. There she struggled to meet the service's marksmanship
standards, her drill sergeant says. Sgt. Darren Baker, her new drill sergeant, spent
hours coaching her. "Without him I would have quit," Pvt. Mosley says. "He was down
there in the dirt helping me."

A year ago, a drill sergeant wouldn't have taken as much time working with one
struggling soldier. Today it is part of the job. "We're all working more one-on-one
with the privates," Sgt. Baker says.

Soldiers with certain medical conditions get more help as well. Recruits with mild
asthma now are allowed to carry inhalers with them. Privates who come to the Army
with a history of mild depression now can take Paxil or Zoloft. Both changes, pushed
through last fall, are "contributing to the lower attrition overall," says Col.
Jolissaint, the physician.

Some basic-training facilities also are setting up special units for soldiers who
are hurt or out of shape. In August, Col. Daly created a "Warrior Rehab" unit for
injured recruits. Before the unit's creation, soldiers hurt during training often
would go home to heal. The vast majority never came back.

Soldiers in Warrior Rehab practice marksmanship, take classes on map reading and do
low-impact workouts in the base's indoor pool. So far, 170 soldiers have passed
through the program. Only 30 have quit basic training.

Last month, about 40 members of the unit gathered in their barracks for a class on
how to ambush the enemy with an M-18 Claymore antipersonnel mine. The troops
included Pvt. Matthew Brent, a 29-year-old former hotel manager, who enlisted
because he "wanted a personal challenge." He came to boot camp overweight at
5-foot-10, 220 pounds and quickly went down with tendinitis in his ankle. In his
five months in Warrior Rehab, Pvt. Brent has lost 57 pounds.

Next to him was Pvt. Richard Hodgson, who has been with the rehab unit since it
started in August, trying to recover from stress fractures. He was having doubts
about his ability to stick it out. "I've just lost my motivation. I was supposed to
have graduated in September and I am still stuck here," he said. The sergeants in
Warrior Rehab have been working hard to convince him to stay. "I've had a few
mother-son type conversations with him," says Staff Sgt. Nicole Waters, one of the
drill sergeants. "We talk about his goals in life. This job is a lot more mental
than the typical drill sergeant job."

Not all Army commanders have embraced the new approach to basic training. Col. Daly
says one of the 14 company commanders he oversees is a "gung-ho combat arms officer,
who right now is just killing me."

Recently, one of that commander's recruits brought a round of live ammunition back
from the rifle range, which isn't allowed. The bullet was found by a drill sergeant
in the barracks common room. As punishment, the commander ordered the entire unit,
which numbers 60 soldiers, to don their helmets when eating in the dining facility.
He then threatened to send all the privates, who were just two weeks from
graduation, back to the beginning of basic training.

Col. Daly bristled when he heard about the threat. "I am not going to keep 60
soldiers back because one guy made a mistake," the colonel says he told the

Instead, Col. Daly ordered the commander to have his drill sergeants do a better job
of searching the recruits' pockets for extra ammunition when they leave the range.

"The commander's leadership style has got to change," says Col. Daly, noting that
the commander's recruits have gone absent without leave at more than twice the rate
of any other unit in the past two months.

Even among those units that have embraced the new approach, there is debate about
whether the changes have been too much, too fast. "It's a hot topic," says Capt.
Meng, another one of Col. Daly's company commanders.

Like many of his fellow commanders, Capt. Meng spent a year in Iraq, in a tour that
ended in 2004. He was second in command of a 100-soldier armor company. In the past
six months, the West Point graduate has been in the forefront in reducing attrition,
overseeing drill sergeants and recruits.

Last month, a few dozen of Capt. Meng's privates clambered onto olive-green trucks
for one of their final boot-camp exercises. The troops, traveling in an Iraq-style
convoy, were "hit" by a series of smoke-spewing roadside bombs. Enemy fighters,
represented by pop-up targets, sprung from nearby prairie grass. A broad-shouldered
drill sergeant ordered a counterattack.

Instead of leaping off the back of the truck, as they would in a typical exercise,
or in actual combat, the privates waited about 10 seconds for someone to walk to the
back of the truck and place a ladder on its rear bumper. They then climbed down the
5-foot drop, one at a time.

Capt. Meng conceded it wasn't realistic. He said the Army couldn't afford to have
privates twist ankles and wrench knees just a few days before their final physical
fitness test. "A few months ago attrition was seen as a good thing," he says. "It
meant we were sending higher quality troops to the Army."

Now he says he is racking his brain for new ways to motivate more soldiers who are
falling short of the Army's standards. He recently petitioned Col. Daly to let his
troops have an extra half-hour of sleep on top of the 30 minutes of additional
shuteye all recruits were granted last fall. Standard boot camp sleeping hours are
now 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. His troops rise at 5:30 a.m.

"It has been great for morale," Capt. Meng says. "A soldier's happiness is directly
proportional to the amount of sleep he gets."

The Iraq veteran says his boot-camp troops are in many ways better prepared for
combat than their predecessors were. They spend far more time working with their
M-16 rifles and more time in the field training on critical combat tasks like
defending a base camp from insurgent attacks.

Asked if his soldiers are as disciplined and tough as their predecessors, Capt. Meng
pauses. "There are some who feel we are not sending as high a quality soldier to the
Army. . . . I am not smart enough to tell you," he says.

In the near term, he has other worries. "The commanding general's No. 1 priority
here is to support the war," he says. "In order to do that right now we have to
graduate more privates."

The thing that gets me about all of this is the fact that at one time basic training was considered to be not only for training, but it also had the purpose of screening out those who would be unable to handle the stresses associated with combat or even everyday military service. It seems now that we are operating under the assumption that anyone who completes the paperwork and gets through the MEPS is fit for military service. Unfortunately this technique is being used in places other than BCT, most notably to me at least is the similar attitude that prevails at rotary wing flight training. Part of the problem is the focus on total number of students trained versus the quality of the product produced. Can someone name me an esteemed institution of higher learning that tries to graduate 100% of its student body? To have real quality a school needs to be difficult enough to eliminate some of the entry population.

Please don't misunderstand, the result of all this is not a broken Army, but units in the field are presented with issues that should have been taken care of before the soldier gets to the field, and unfortunately sometimes that means discharging a soldier that never should have made it out of basic.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Girl Friday

This is my new feature here @ Guidons...if you're a young lady and you don't appreciate this...sorry get your own blog.

Meet Carmella DeCesare, Playboy 2004 Playmate of the Year and bar brawler extraordinare.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Crouching Tiger Hidden Rumsfeld



No one can defeat the 1000 styles of RUMSFELD!

Closet Texan?




Sunday, February 12, 2006

Next Up...The Big Arbor Day Riot

Dukhtaran-e-Millat activists burn Valentine's Day cards in Kashmir

Associated Press
Posted online: Friday, February 10, 2006 at 1624 hours IST

Srinagar, February 10: Nearly two dozen black-veiled Muslim women stormed gift and stationery shops Friday in Kashmir, burning Valentine's Day cards and posters to protest a holiday they say imposes Western values on Muslim youth.

No one was hurt in the half-dozen or so incidents, and police cordoned off the area to prevent the women from marching through Srinagar's main shopping district to continue their ransacking.

The women were from the Kashmiri Islamic group Dukhtaran-e-Millat, or Daughters of the Community, Kashmir's only women's separatist group, whose members are also known for their fiercely conservative social views.

"We will not let anyone sell these cards or celebrate Valentine's Day," said Asiya Andrabi, the group's leader, as she held a burning poster in her hand. "These Western gimmicks are corrupting our kids and taking them away from their roots."

The adherents of this "religion of peace" are on a real roll. I understand the headquarters of Hallmark cards is on a condition 1 security level A++ super secret squirrel alert. Actually I find the reactionary violent reaction to everything that offends some people (read Radical Muslims) in this world to be rather disturbing.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Battlestar Galactica...In the Future We Will Only Do It Missionary Style

At the advice of some friends I have begun watching the new Battlestar Galactica that shows on the SF channel on Fridays.

I picked up Season 1 and Season 2.1 on DVD and after watching them some things have sprung to mind. Now I'm sure there are those out there who will say (quite understandably) that I am devoting too much thought to what is after all a TV show. I on the other hand respond that people who call themselves professionals (the TV writers) shouldn't be so sloppy. Anyway here ya' go.

First of all for those not familiar with the new BG, the cylons come not only in the traditional metal robot form, but they have also learned how to make themselves female and hot (see pictures below).

During the first episode of season 1 the blond cylon has sex with one of the main characters...while this is happening we see the blond cylon from behind and her spine is glowing red. Later in the season the cylon named Boomer (played by Grace Park) has sex with one of her space pilot buddies...while this is happening we view Boomer from behind and her spine is glowing red. This made me wonder, I guess they never do it doggie style or if they do the cylon kills them right after like a praying mantis. You'd think with all that technology they be able to hide that whole glowing thing...but then I guess we're too stupid to figure out how to tell the machines from the humans without the glowing spine...and then I guess it just happens during sex, which presents an interesting conundrum.

The other thing I've noticed...it's pointed out at the beginning of every episode that there are about 50,000 human beings left in the entire universe. SO with that in mind how is it when the "President" has a press conference there are easily 20-30 reporters there. How many reporters do fifty thousand people need? I guess when the rescue ships picked up everyone that was left, weaselly reporters took seats that should have been for I don't know doctors, engineers or anyone who actually produces something useful. Yeah there are 20-30 reporters just hanging around but when the Captain of the Galactica gets shot...the only doctor is on another ship and unavailable.

Come on writers you're getting paid a living wage and you can't do any better than that?

Actually I enjoy the show for the most part...these were just some things that stood out...at least to me. And yes I know it's just a TV show, quit thinking and watch.

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Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Jack Bauer

Direct from the twisted minds at Blogs4Bauer

On the up side they have pictures of Kim...

The Tao Of Jack Bauer

I think some of these were posted by my counterparts before, but they're still brilliant:

1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

2. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

3. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

4. Upon hearing that he was played by Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

5. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

8. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

9. Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

10. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

11. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

12. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

13. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

14. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in MiddleEastern men.

15. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

16. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alerted. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

17. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*cking hates lemonade.

18. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

19. Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

20. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

21. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

22. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.

23. The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

24. Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

25. No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel...

26. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

27. Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

28. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

29. The real reason the Army ditched the "Army of One"campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.

30. Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.

31. Jack Bauer doesn't urinate or defecate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm.

32. That cougar that stalked Kim was actually Jack Bauer's pet cat. Jack used his Beastmaster powers to keep an eye on Kim and to keep her in line through fear.

33. The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so they can meet Jack Bauer.

34. The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.

35. Chase wasn't actually in any danger from that terrorist virus. Jack Bauer just cut off his hand because that's how he warns all of Kim's boyfriends.

36. Jack Bauer creates an "airtight perimeter" by yelling at the air and calling it a pussy until it gets its shit together and falls in line.

37. Jack Bauer parts LA traffic with his enormous penis. That's why he can reach anywhere in the city in the span of a commercial break.

38. The reason CTU's superiors are called "Division" is because Jack Bauer broke their building in half in a fit of rage because they couldn't bring him a sandwich in 24 hours.

39. Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.

40. CTU stands for Jack F*cking Bauer.

41. God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.

42. Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.

43. Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

44. Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.

45. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

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Monday, February 06, 2006

Combat Art

In the grand tradition of Fredrick Remington, Michael Fay has deployed with the Marines to Iraq and is producing a tremendous body of work.

Check it out HERE!
I only wish I could draw that well!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Giant Crows, Fat Coyotes and the Worst BK in the World

Last week I returned from my eleventh trip to the National Training Center (NTC). Located in the Mojave Desert in CA, the NTC is one of the places the Army sends soldiers to train and engage in mock combat against what was once called the "World Class OPFOR" (to be honest I don't know if they are still called that or not...and I don't really care).

The NTC is also home to what has to be the largest crows I have ever seen. They are the size of eagles. I saw a crow sling loading a garbage bag off to its nest. Guard your little rat dogs ladies 'cause if you're at the NTC the crows will soon have them.

If not the crows then the coyotes. No scrawny Wylie Coyotes here folks...these animals are so fat they resemble someones pet. I saw a coyote pass up a mouse and go for the MRE scraps nearby...hey makes sense, he didn't have to chase it down and expend the energy to kill it, and more than likely tastes about the same.

As for the worst BK anywhere, If I weren't boycotting BK already for those ridiculous football commercials (you know where the "King" takes the place of real football players in highlights) the lack of service, civility and overall quality would have put me over the edge...but hey where else are you going to go? You're at NTC for gosh sakes, who is their competition, MREs and T-RATS? To put it in perspective the Arab gentlemen who ran the BK at Camp Taji, Iraq did a better job than the chuckle headed operation at FT Irwin...but hey that's just my opinion they may have been having an off week or two while I was there.

A lot of goofy things go on at NTC. I believe T-Bone or CW2 Lee where told to take the funky fresh soul power gold fist air freshener out of their aircraft because I'm guessing they weren't soulful enough? CW2 Lee was chewed out because he had "Front Toward Enemy" written on his helmet visor cover. I was yelled at by CSM for wearing my patrol cap to the shopette after I had been told it was OK by my chain of command...CW2 (at that time) me tried to lock up the CSM at the position of attention for yelling at CW2 me. I was later told by my CO that I was a trouble maker. NTC was also the location of the greatest Porta Potty story of all time.

CW2 Jerome E was a guy who came to aviation after serving a stint in the Old Guard as an 11B NCO in charge of the firing party for funeral details at Arlington National Cemetery. He was also a born and bred Louisianian and still had some rough edges about him. He and another guy had been tasked as the BDE commanders personal aircrew and as such, out at NTC they sat in their UH-1 near the TOC all day every day waiting to be tasked for a mission.

The sun was setting, and as such the porta potties were just becoming remotely habitable again. Jerome took this opportunity to relieve himself of that MRE burden that had been building all day. Wearing his battle rattle, off he went the direction of the bank of four outhouses that were standing watch on the perimeter of the Brigade TOC. As Jerome reached the little blue building he carefully removed his LBE and Pro Mask, folding them in a careful pile just out side the door, he then entered the little plastic shelter to settle upon the plastic seat and do his business.

No sooner had he sat down, his one piece flight suit around his ankles, he heard the sound of approaching rotors. This being an aviation unit, that wasn't unusual helicopters came and went all day every day. But as the beating rotors came closer something told Jerome that this might not end very well.

He could hear the aircraft (a UH-60 it would turn out) make what sounded like an approach to landing and then from the whining and increased noise make a go around. Probably browned-out he thought. A brown out is when a aircraft making an approach to the sand goes too slowly and before he touches down looses sight with the ground due to blowing sand. It's the cause a quite a few accidents over the years. And then it happened...

He could hear the aircraft re-approaching, rotors beating louder and LOUDER. Then the sand began blowing in through the vents of the door and into the little enclosure. It was now IMC inside the box. The winds were buffeting the little structure as the Black Hawk got closer and closer. Fearing the worst Jerome stood up and tried to balance the plastic outhouse, spreading his feet as far apart as was possible with his flightsuit and underwear down around his ankles.

First one then one after another all of the un-occupied porta johns blew over on their sides and Jerome knew his was next and he was going to be covered in the foul blue stench and forever would be known as the "Tidy Bowl Man" or even some worse name that he couldn't think of at that moment. The little box tilted one way and then another as Jerome shifted his weight to try and balance the structure as much as he could, but he just knew any second he was going over and he was about to be covered in shit.

But then as suddenly as it started it was done. The wind died and the rotors spooled down and stopped. He was saved...I'm not the "Tidy Bowl Man". With a sigh of relief Jerome pulled on his flightsuit, washed his hands and inserted a fresh dip of cope.

As he stepped from the Porta John, he saw silhouetted in the setting sun a figure opening the door of one of the shitters than had been blown over. Hearing Jerome exit his would be tomb, the figure turned and asked, "Are you alright son?"

Jerome spit and said in his Louisiana drawl, "FUUUCCCK YEW"

The General said nothing, and Jerome picked up his LBE and walked back to his Huey.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

A Chuck Norris Fact!

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

For more go HERE!

This is some funny shiznat...or something like that!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Banned T-Shirts


Now these are much better and funnier than the "Whose Yer Baghdaddy" shirts I saw in the PX during OIF 2.

However, I certainly don't blame the CMDR for doing what he did...we can really be the Ugly American when we put our minds to it.

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K

1. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by
any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

"Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]

"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

"Napalm Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]

"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]

"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]

"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]

"Pork. The other white meat." [Arabic version]

"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

2. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

3. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."

"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"

4. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.



On The Way

Here's a Hellfire shot for you...

It's News When The Newsman Gets Hurt

Some US troops question Woodruff coverage
UPI Pentagon Correspondent

WASHINGTON, Jan. 31 (UPI) -- The American media stood up and took notice when an improvised explosive device grievously injured an ABC News crew Sunday.

In Iraq, and throughout the military, there is sympathy and concern for anchor Bob Woodruff and cameraman Doug Vogt, but there is also this question:

"Why do you think this is such a huge story?" wrote an officer stationed in Baqubah, Iraq, Monday via e-mail. "It's a bit stunning to us over here how absolutely dominant the story is on every network and front page. I mean, you'd think we lost the entire 1st Marine Division or something.

"There's a lot of grumbling from guys at all ranks about it. That's a really impolite and impolitic thing to say ... but it's what you would hear over here."

For the rest go HERE

And this comes as a surprise to them? Some of the animals are more equal than others it seems (with apologies to Orwell).

I feel badly for the reporters and their families, but please explain to me how their suffering is worse or more worthy than the soldiers, sailors, airman and Marines who have suffered and died in this war? Arguably it can be said that the reporter was there solely to make a buck, so how does that qualify one for front page treatment, especially when said reporter was standing up, exposed in the back of an armored vehicle in the middle of a war zone.

I hope they recover fully, but I'm afraid that the attitude and tone of the reports regarding our wounded media friends betray the light with which the third fourth (corrected 'cause I'm stupid) estate views my and my fellow soldiers service to this nation. I wish I could say that that surprises me...but it doesn't. And that folks is the real crying shame of this whole matter.