The Hot Waitress Paradox

This post is in no way intended to impugn the good natured hard working women of HOOTERS. I used this photo because these women are in fact waitresses and for all I know damn good at their jobs...but then again they could be bitches, you decide.


Through the years I have come to the conclusion that it is almost impossible to get excellent service in a regular restaurant (not Hooters or a strip joint...not that I'd know anything about those kind of places) from a waitress that might be considered "hot" or to be more quaint, "easy on the eyes". You can have great service from a guy that is a clone of the "Chotskies" waiter in "Office Space" (whom you would like to slowly strangle by the end of the meal with your bare hands) or you can ogle "Miss Thing" who is hot as hell but will totally foul up your order and then laugh about it...good luck trying to find that most elusive of all dining experiences the attractive competent waitperson...of course if I would eat at someplace other than Sonic I might have better luck.

What the HELL does this have to do with the North Koreans shooting a nuke at LA you ask? Absolutely nothing, but wait there's more!

First of all, if you're thinking this has something to do with anything that has happened to me over the weekend you are mistaken. I will have you know it is impossible to get good service in a restaurant in Killeen, TX from ANYONE let alone a waitress that's easy on the eyes...if you can find one.

Back when these things really began to matter to me, when I went out with my buddies we always wanted to be waited on by a young lady who was attractive. After a while it began to dawn on us that while she was easy to look at, more than often pleasant and sometimes even flirted openly with us (for a bigger tip no doubt) the quality of her (their) work was for the most part inferior to that performed by lesser mortals. Why could this be?

Perhaps it stems from what I call the "Jessica Simpson Syndrome". Pretty girls generally have life pretty easy, they get out of speeding tickets, they pretty much get every thing they want and because they know that guys like pretty girls they use that to their advantage. This includes batting ones eyes and professing not to know that "Chicken of the Sea" is in fact tuna or forgetting the details of their customers order...because after all they know the guy isn't going to hold them responsible. Maybe they just don't give a crap. Maybe they are stupid. Maybe they didn't like me (doubtful but we need to explore all options).

Are there exceptions to this rule? Of course there are. I have had the pleasure of dining at establishments where the waitstaff was both attractive and competent...but it also meant spending a shit-pot full of money. Just so you know a "shit-pot" is more that a "crap load" but less than an "ass-load".

Additionally, I come to this not just from the customer point of view. Way back when I was an assistant manager of a Dairy Queen. Without a doubt the most difficult employees were the girls who were easy on the eyes. Non stop drama all the time...and get off the frecking phone and get back to work for pete's sake and no I won't clean the ice cream machine for you.

Finally I have been told throughout my checkered Army career that you shouldn't discuss a problem without proposing a solution. What is my solution to this pressing problem you might ask? Well here's one...don't hire good looking waitresses. Tell them to get their asses into the strip joint where they belong. Besides they can make more money there and they don't really have to be nice to the customers unless they feel like it. Seriously though, the problem lies with society and the way we raise girls versus boys but I like my first answer better.